i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
