Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sorry about my life...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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