I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
