Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
