i wish peter jackson would direct porn
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
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