I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
