Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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