I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
