The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
