Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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