I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
