when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
