last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
