I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
