Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
