You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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