I got chris browned last night
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
