First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
