So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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