Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
