I cannot find my penis.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
