You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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