I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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