I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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