I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
