My underwear smells like fireworks.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
