The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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