how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
