peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
