i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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