i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
