Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
