if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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