Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
