Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
