I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
