I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
