i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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