my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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