Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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