I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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