I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think my moral compass just broke
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
