He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
