so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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