what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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