I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
