Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Vodka?
Forever.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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