I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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