I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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