My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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