Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
