my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
