omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
