i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
