Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Randomize
