The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
