Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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