He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
