don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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