grandma shit on top of the toilet
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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