goodnight i made you a song goodbye
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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