Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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