addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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