Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
