Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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